Florida Vacation Obsolete: Void Gap Story
by bunnyb
Summary: Snape is an Evil Cheese what? Who is Ron after? What's with the hamster in swim trunks bent on world domination? Whose wedding bells? Read on to find out.


Florida Vacation Obsolete: Void Gap Story  
  
Disclaimer: All of the Harry Potter characters belong to the fabulous JK Rowling, the concept and the name of the Evil Cheese Cow belong to my wonderful sister Pie, the idea of a hamster in swim trunks bent on world domination belongs to Liz, and any references the characters make in the following story are not mine either.  
  
A/N: I would really like to thank Pie and Liz for letting me borrow their characters, Pie, Mande and Gibbles for helping me through some of my more panicky moments (which character would make the best hamster? Who can Ron fall for? Who can be the Maid of Honor? Uh oh, I hope I'm not giving away too much of the story.), to all the readers who actually read the author's notes, and to all those who will forgive me because it seems that I, not Lita, have the obsession with Bohemian monkeys. (  
  
________________________________________________________________________  
  
"Who's HE?" asked Ron disdainfully.  
  
"I'm Seamus," said Seamus.  
  
"He exists everywhere there's a void gap," I explained, referring to the title.  
  
"Oh, I remember Seamus! He used to be dating Pansy but then he switched to Dean and he used to love me!" exclaimed Ron.  
  
"Yup, that's my friend," I said, referring now to Seamus.  
  
"Is Pansy or Dean around?" Seamus asked eagerly.  
  
"Well, outside of the void gap, I'm supposed to be sitting next to Pansy in Potions," I said.  
  
"Any chance I could switch places with you?" asked Seamus.  
  
"I wish," I grumbled.  
  
"Why is there a hamster over there in swim trunks?" asked Seamus curiously.  
  
"LOCKHART!" Ron and I screamed in unison. We both dashed over to the surfing hamster, but he escaped into the waves just before we got to him.  
  
"I'm hungry," announced Seamus, so we fed him some coconuts.  
  
Then, suddenly, Ron's little sister came running and screaming at us.  
  
"What soccer ball?" asked Seamus.  
  
"Never mind. Gilderoy? Get - rid - of - him - NOW," demanded Ron. Gilderoy Lockhart, being a cowardly (but bent on world domination) sort of hamster promptly "got rid" of Ginny.  
  
"Hey, I hear Schubert in real life!" I announced.  
  
"Sherbert? Where?" asked Seamus excitedly.  
  
"Seamus, you are ALWAYS hungry!" complained Ron. "And why would classical music be playing in Potions anyways?"  
  
"Lavender, what is THAT?" asked Neville.  
  
"That's a Void Gapian, Neville," Lavender said tiredly. At Lavender's arrival in a bikini, Ron fainted quietly away.  
  
"Someone help Ron!" I cried. Lavender rushed over and tossed water over his head. He promptly woke up, sat up, and kissed Lavender on the lips, all in one fluid motion.  
  
"Hey, you, she's ours!" cried Fred and George.  
  
"Whatever!" cried Ron as he was dragged away from his beloved Lavender.  
  
"Hey, in real life Hermione should be back from her appointment by now. But she's not," I finished disappointedly.  
  
"Where do you think she could be?" asked Seamus. "I mean, she's kinda kinky too."  
  
"SEAMUS!" Ron and I exclaimed.  
  
"Down, boy!" Ron added.  
  
"You know, this is really boring. In here AND outside the void gap. Let's DO something!" said Seamus. He turned to Ron and me for ideas. Lavender and Neville had already left, so he didn't turn to them.  
  
"What's happening in the real world?" asked Ron.  
  
"Goyle and Crabbe are shooting something slimy at everyone, and Pansy is being obnoxious," I finished angrily.  
  
"How's he being obnoxious?" queried Ron.  
  
"Oh, she just said that Millicent was flirting with me," I complained.  
  
"Whatta dork," said Ron and Seamus.  
  
"Majorly," I agreed. "Gosh darn it, where's Hermione?"  
  
"Dunno," said Seamus. Suddenly, Lavender and Neville reappeared.  
  
"Lavender, there's another one of those - those - THINGS!" exclaimed Neville.  
  
"Yes, Neville. We are in a void gap. It is expected that you will see Void Gapians," said Lavender tiredly.  
  
"Oh," said Neville.  
  
"Harry, tell Pansy the news," said the just-arriving Hermione.  
  
"Grrrrrrr," I whispered under my breath.  
  
"What?" asked Pansy.  
  
"I'm marrying Draco. We got back together," Hermione announced cheerfully. Everyone looked around in shock.  
  
"BACK together?" asked Ron.  
  
"And you're to be the Maid of Honor, Pansy!" (shock from everyone).  
  
"Stupid, conspiratorial . . ." I mumbled.  
  
"Haha, you're mad because I got to do something better than you! Ha ha!" guffawed Pansy.  
  
"No." I looked angrily at him.  
  
"Harry's the Best Man, which is the equal of the Maid of Honor," Hermione explained.  
  
"Then why are you so mad?" asked the thick-skulled Pansy.  
  
"I think I know why," said Seamus.  
  
"Why?" chorused Pansy, Ron, and Gilderoy.  
  
"The Best Man and the Maid of Honor have to walk down the aisle together!" explained the brilliant Seamus.  
  
"What?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?" cried Pansy.  
  
"Oo-la-la!" laughed Ron.  
  
"NO WAY," stated Pansy.  
  
"I'm not any happier than you are about this. Get that straight," I said to her.  
  
'You HAVE to do the Can-Can and the Chicken Dance and the Hokey Pokey at the wedding!" exclaimed Ron.  
  
"Chicken?" asked Pansy.  
  
"Don't give her any ideas!" I shouted.  
  
"Well, I have to go," said Hermione. "Gilderoy's going to help me with the wedding plans. Bye!"  
  
"Lockhart?!?!?" we all exclaimed.  
  
"Oh, no! The wedding's doomed!" I moaned.  
  
Later, at the wedding rehearsal...  
  
"Why do we have to practice walking?" asked Groomsman Seamus.  
  
"Cuz." I answered a bit sharply since Pansy was standing right next to me as we got in our places.  
  
Gilderoy began playing the Hustle. Hermione began to Hustle down the aisle!  
  
"GILDEROY!"  
  
Just then, Ginny came in kicking a soccer ball.  
  
"Oh, THAT soccer ball," said Seamus.  
  
Ginny began playing a famous symphony on the piano.  
  
"Hey, isn't that by Beethoven?" I asked.  
  
"Beethoven?" asked Ron and Pansy.  
  
"I liked Sherbert better," said Seamus.  
  
"SCHUBERT," I said.  
  
"Where?" asked Ron.  
  
"Walk!" commanded Ginny. She was playing the Wedding March.  
  
So we did. It was horrendous walking next to Pansy.  
  
"The next practice is the dress rehearsal tomorrow at seven a.m.," said Hermione. Gilderoy began to model his tux. Everyone then suddenly had an excuse to leave (you would understand if you saw a hamster in a tux).  
  
"I wanna watch 'La Femme Zikita'," said Seamus.  
  
"Cool," said Ron.  
  
"No way," I said.  
  
"Sherbert," murmured Seamus. He sounded sad, so Ron and I gave him some sherbert. "Now I wanna watch 'Ready To Cook'," said Seamus.  
  
"Sea-mus," we chorused.  
  
"Well, it's on next on the Food Planet," he mumbled.  
  
Later that night, I was talking to Ron inside our coconut-shell home. Seamus was already asleep.  
  
"Gilderoy will DESTROY Hermione's wedding!" I complained.  
  
"No kidding!" seconded Ron.  
  
"Well, goodnight, Ron," I said. "We'll think of SOME way to get rid of Gilderoy."  
  
"Yeah. 'Night, Harry." Ron hopped into his palm frond mattress and covers, and fell asleep. I, on the other hand, could not. What were we going to do?  
  
The next morning, I asked Seamus and Ron if they had come up with any ideas.  
  
"We could give them a giant TV that played the Food Planet all day long, and they'd love it so much that they'd just watch it all day and never get married," suggested Seamus.  
  
"We could get Neville to kidnap Hermione and take her back to the real world, and then Lavender and I could hook up, rent a condo, play volleyball with me in a Speedo and her in a bikini .." Ron said dreamily  
  
"Thanks guys, but I really don't think that either of those ideas will work," I said.  
  
Just then, Uncle Moneybags appeared. "I take chances to make it big. You have to, to win in this game!" He then did a pirouette, top hat and tails flying, and then he left.  
  
"Guys, that's it! I've got it!" I exclaimed.  
  
"Huh?" asked Ron.  
  
"Sherbert?" asked Seamus.  
  
*****  
  
After the early rehearsal, and with the aid of a fleet of African elephants, I quietly drew the groom-to-be aside.  
  
"Darling Draco," I began sweetly. "My dear friend Seamus was inspired by these elephants to build a casino, and I was wondering if you might stop by tonight and try a few slot machines."  
  
"Well, I suppose my manicure - I mean, my football game can wait," he said.  
  
"Wonderful. Bring Hermione and Gilderoy, would you? It'll be a party!"  
  
*****  
  
"Here's the plan," I began, later that day. "Ron, you take the Bohemian monkeys and distract Draco and Hermione. Seamus, you take half the elephants and this vile of sleeping perfume from the Evil Cheese Cow a.k.a. Professor Snape to the roof of the casino. I'll take the other half. On my signal, break through the sunroof and pour the perfume on Gilderoy. He will be over near the bar, where I will be making sure that he's done a little drinking." I grinned.  
  
"Okay, leths go!" said Seamus, around a mouth of food.  
  
"Let's do it!" said Ron, although it wasn't clear if he was talking about the plot or to his poster of Lavender.  
  
Later, at the casino .  
  
While the Bohemian monkeys and Ron were doing a splendid rendition of Swan Lake, I made sure that Gilderoy had a few glasses of the "special" champagne I had ordered from Professor Snape, the Evil Cheese Cow.  
  
When Gilderoy was finally falling off the stool, I decided I had seen enough (you would understand if you saw a drunk hamster), and I was just about to wave my hand at Seamus when Cho, love of my life, walked into the casino.  
  
"What's up, Homie G?" she asked me.  
  
For a moment I just stared at her in shock. Then, I ran over to her, frantically waving my hands to get her out of what might be a potentially sticky situation. Belatedly, I realized I had just given the sign to Seamus, and I was now standing in his path as he came flying down from the sunroof.  
  
*****  
  
I woke up two days later.  
  
"What happened?" I asked. "The wedding? Gilderoy?"  
  
"Well," began Seamus. "See, first I found the wedding cake, but I didn't know what it was, so I ate it all."  
  
"Then Lavender and I decided to elope!" said Ron dreamily.  
  
"The Evil Cheese Cow/Professor Snape came by and wanted payment, but you were unconscious so he accepted a game of soccer and an organ concerto instead," reported Ginny.  
  
"Ron and I didn't elope. I'm already married," said Lavender.  
  
"So I was checking on the real world, but when I heard that the wedding was off because the cake was missing, I came to the casino to get Draco and take him back in time for his appointment at the salon. That Cho girl left just after you fainted, just so you know," added Pansy.  
  
"We did so elope! You gave me this ring!" screamed Ron.  
  
"I even ate the figurines on top. I thought they were made of sugar," Seamus said thoughtfully.  
  
"The ring is from a cereal box! It means nothing," Lavender said.  
  
Hermione left a while ago, I'm not sure why, but my soccer ball looked really nice when the ECC/PS and I were playing," said Ginny.  
  
"Nothing? NOTHING? Lavender, how can you say that?" wept Ron.  
  
"Anyway, I was thinking of forming a band called 'Chicken, Eat My Dust'," said Pansy.  
  
"Chicken? Eat?" echoed Seamus. "Can I be in your band?"  
  
"Sure. Let's go," said Pansy.  
  
"Okay, lemme just grab my sherbert, and we'll go," said Seamus.  
  
"Look, Lavender, we have to go," said Neville.  
  
"All right, Neville. Well, Ron, I guess this is goodbye," said Lavender.  
  
"Say it ain't so!" Ron cried.  
  
"Oh Ron, I'm sorry! I will always love you, but our roads lead down different paths!" wept Lavender, as Neville led her out the door behind Pansy and Seamus.  
  
"Come on Ron, it's time we went back to the real world," said Ginny, suddenly becoming a sweet little sister. She led him out, while he wept all the way: "I never even got to make out with her!"  
  
"So this lovely female Bohemian monkey comes up to me," began Gilderoy. "And she admits that she always wanted to marry a hamster bent on world domination, so now we're engaged. Besides, the wedding was off anyway when Hermione discovered that Draco was gay, and was only marrying her so no one would find out. She realized this when she went back to her hotel room and found him dressed in her lingerie and heels singing to Elton John with a lisp. Oh well," he finished, looking deeply into the eyes of a Bohemian monkey.  
  
Oh well indeed. Nothing could be done about it now. I knew that Hermione and Ron would be okay, and maybe Pansy and Seamus would even get famous. The only thing that really concerned me was what kind of an offspring a Bohemian monkey and a hamster would have. Well, at least it was an interesting vacation.  
  
1 The End 


End file.
